The Nature of Forgiveness
“Without forgiveness there is no future.”
What is forgiveness?
It is a rare human who has not been wronged or hurt by another person. Everyday life therefore offers many situations in which it is appropriate to forgive. In granting forgiveness, a person recognizes that the transgression perpetrated against him or her is unacceptable but nonetheless engages in a change of heart in which anger, resentment, or indignation gives way to an attitude of goodwill toward the wrongdoer. This is not easy to do which is why Mahatma Gandhi stated that ‘‘the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.’’
Forgiveness has long been emphasized in religious belief systems but has relatively recently become a topic of scientific research. Only five studies on forgiveness appeared prior to 1985, but there are now well over 2,500 studies (Worthington & Wade, 2020).
Among other things, this research has shown that forgiveness is widely misunderstood. For example, the adage “forgive and forget” is misleading as we forgive despite knowing the wrongful nature of the offense and the fact that the offender is not entitled to forgiveness. Forgiving is not forgetting, accepting, excusing, or condoning an offense. Nor does it require reconciliation with the offender. Reconciliation involves the restoration of violated trust, requires the goodwill of both partners, and should occur only if it is appropriate and safe. Although forgiveness can increase the likelihood of reconciliation, there is no contradiction involved in forgiving a wrongdoer and ending one’s relationship with the person.
Misconceptions such as the widely held view that forgiveness requires one to forget about a transgression and reconcile with the offender (Kearns & Fincham, 2004) often impede forgiving. Not surprisingly, interventions designed to facilitate forgiveness typically include an educational component that addresses what it means to forgive. These interventions have been shown across 62 studies to not only increase forgiveness but also to decrease symptoms of depression and anxiety (Wade & Tittler, 2020).
Who benefits from forgiveness?
In the face of being wronged it is natural to experience negative feelings (e.g., anger, resentment, disappointment) and try to avoid the transgressor or even to retaliate or seek revenge. Release from such negative feelings and behavior toward the offender makes the victim an obvious beneficiary of forgiveness. This viewpoint has received considerable attention. There is now an extensive literature documenting the benefits of forgiveness for mental and physical health.
A second viewpoint identifies the offender as the beneficiary because he or she receives an undeserved gift and is released from an obligation. This perspective tends to emphasize the positive dimension of forgiveness. To date, there has been limited research on this viewpoint.
Reaping these benefits is not easy as, “It takes a strong person to say sorry, and an even stronger person to forgive” (Anonymous).